The Thing Is..

It’s what I always end up saying whenever I can’t express what I am trying to say. And it makes me sound like a dithering idiot, and since I am not the kind of girl (ok woman), who wants to sound like a dithering idiot, this is not good for me at all. It seems that as Mxit and Facebook and Google Chat become more popular with university students, so their being able to express themselves outside of these contexts seems to become impossible. I may be wrong, in fact many will argue with me that never before has communication been so direct, so simple and so expressive. And yet, I find myself unable to articulate half of what I mean a lot these days. It may just be that I am English major with an English teacher for a mother and so am just prone to picking up on these things. And you may be thinking that I should just go back to reading a book and stop bothering you with this nonsensical psychobabble, and you may be right, but next time you are trying to explain yourself to somebody and simply can’t, you might just give me a chance.

Killing Me Softly: Why Many First Year Women Fall Prey to the Terrible Trio (Eating Disorders, Self harm and Depression).

For many a young woman at Rhodes, sticking her index finger down her throat and throwing up a res lunch is not an uncommon practice. As my first year in the land of purple draws to a close, memories of self destructive habits, of both my own and other women, surface and replay like filmstrips in my mind.

I know that I am not alone when I say that a woman and her thoughts can be more dangerous than walking home from Friars on a winter night. After speaking to one of my close friends, who is at the moment recovering from a serious eating disorder, I realised that self destructive habits do not sign post themselves in your brain and alert you to the fact that you are not acting like yourself. Instead they creep under your skin, feeding on your insecurities and stress and homesickness and before you know it, you’re hooked on doing whatever you must to get that sense of control in your life. Many female Rhodents feel overwhelmed as work, love life issues and res life all pile up at once, often leaving one feeling exhausted and hopeless, afraid to fail and above all, angry at herself for feeling this way.

At http://my1stime.blogspot.com/2008/10/when-you-miss-your-mommy.html the issue of homesickness and what to do with these feelings is discussed. I feel it is an important article because it looks at an issue that is often over looked by students when they first come to Rhodes – the fact that yes, you will be missing your mom, no matter how many times you fought with her or found her annoying.

Women are known to be hard on themselves, but for perfectionists who come to Rhodes expecting their academic path to be paved with as much gold as it was in high school, pressure can be a dangerous trigger for all kinds of strange behaviour.
A girl that I know in res, let’s call her Amy, has been a self mutilator since the beginning of second term. She is very open about the fact that she is a cutter, not as a means to get attention, but to try and overcome the terrible practice herself. She tells me that as soon as she starts becoming secretive about things that she does to herself, she finds herself falling into that familiar trap of self harming all over again. She says that although she has it under control at the moment, her second term was one huge nightmare. She says that what many people do not realise is that cutting often accompanies eating disorders and depression, and that these three issues form a love triangle that can easily become life threateningly dangerous. She came to Rhodes a healthy, happy past prefect from a private school in Cape Town, and soon learned that the pressure of varsity was sometimes too much for her to bear. Alone one night, after dinner, she made a conscious decision to skip every meal the next day and work on her Journ assignment. Starving herself didn’t last just one day. In fact, it hasn’t yet ended.
Amy is just one example of many women at Rhodes who sometimes find some of the pressure of varsity life too great to overcome. Unfortunately, not all women turn to the healthier ways of trying to deal with this stress. And ok, although not every stressed first year woman becomes best friends with knives and razor blades, statistics show that self mutilation and other forms of self destructive behaviour is on the proverbial rise. Which is a problem because this means that many first year women are becoming incapable of handling their emotions without resorting to irresponsible methods of dealing with them.

On http://1styearspread.blogspot.com/2008/10/miss-independent.html a first year Rhodent is interviewed about her self-harming, and, in a very frank and honest reply to questions that she is asked, she talks about how she used self-harm to deal with the stresses of varsity living.
Although there are countless first year women who do not fall prey to the tight grip of the terrible trio (eating disorders, depression and self harm), and instead embrace university life and manage to handle the whole Rhodes package, it is a sad and true fact that many women do. For them, reality is a harsh one, as they are trapped in bodies that they despise, by minds that try to trick them and with spirits that slowly diminish under the power of self destructive habits. I feel that this is an issue more important than how much first year students drink, and should be addressed with the seriousness that was present at the name change of the Union to Bantu Steve Biko Building. If student support groups want to help these women, they need to help them see that they have options – and that they do not always have to involve a razor, pills or throwing up.

When first you look at her, she strikes as you the bitchy type, but the minute she talks you get to see another side of her, that she actually sweet . Getting to know Bonisiwe Mngoma a second year BA student was an interesting experience, she is very open about her life and she’s not scared to say whatever. Bonnie (as known by her friends) says she has always been the girl who been misunderstood. To most people she is known as a wild party animal, but she there a side of her that people don’t know. They don’t know she’s just a fragile creature, who loves and treasures people close to her heart. She says that she always portrayed wrong and people often get the wrong impression about her, “most people that I know always tell me that I’m a crazy girl whose an alcoholic because when I’m out they always see me drunk”, she says.
“I think of my self as a friendly person, it’s just as a Gemini (her star sign) I have a split personality, there’s a Bonnie that people know when they see me at the club and there’s another that’s very private that most people don’t know she’s only known by her close friends.” She says that she quite different from the girl that knew in high school, back then she was a bit more reserved “Rhodes really changed me because I didn’t drink in high school as much as I do now, its different because everyone drinks and the place just consumes you”. Sometimes she wonders why she didn’t prepare for varsity because first year bought so many surprises in her life.
Another thing that’s been a problem for her since coming here is the issue of choosing the right friends and learning to trust people “I have had lots of people that I thought were my best friends but in the end they betrayed my trust, I guess first year was about learning not to trust too much, my trust has become limited now”. Another thing that limited her trust is a break up with a boyfriend who she left back home in Newcastle (KZN). She found out from friends that he was getting married with some other girl, while they were still dating. “It was really a down point in my life because I didn’t see that coming, I really didn’t expect him to hurt me like that and it was one of my worst experiences in first year” she says. She says maybe that’s why she’s got issues with relationships and guys “I’m not a relationship person, I’m over men and falling in love it’s so overrated”. She says one day she would love to have a boyfriend at some point but the problem is whenever she starts falling for someone she ends up being hurt, “I always fall for the wrong guy”
All in all she says that coming to Rhodes changed her, “It actually made me discover my self, it made me see a different side of me that really scares me at time, and I sometimes feel I have lost my innocence, I have tried so hard to preserve it. But she says deep down there’s a bit of innocence still in her but it gets clouded by other things, if people got the time to get to know her better they know her better “I’m a softie at heart”.

A Masterpiece in the Making

“The beauty of jazz is in its improvisation. Although the musician has a set plan, when he goes up on stage he improvises, creating a masterpiece in the moment.”

With a definite intention to achieve her dream Roxanne Henderson is much like the soulful style of music she so adores. With writing as her instrument and a plan to obtain her degree in journalism she will take the world as her stage and will create with life, what will surely be a powerful masterpiece.This is a conclusion I easily draw as Roxanne sits opposite me in a flowing floral dress which shows off her petite but strong shoulders. Her background of dance is easily seen in how well she holds herself, her open shoulders suggesting the commading way in which she has taken on the adventure that university is offering her. With an eloquent sophistication and refreshing air of confidence she is able to answer my questions easily and openly, at one point even interrupting me because she had not finished saying what she needed to say – a testimony to the strength in her beliefs and a desire to share her knowledge. Her great presence quickly overshadows her tiny physique as she draws me into a narrative of her dreams and ideas.

Roxanne is eighteen years old and has only been in Grahamstown, Rhodes University for thre crazy and exciting weeks - facts that are not reflected in her wealth of knowledge or comfort in being. Leaving her family in Cape Town Roxanne has stepped out of her comfort zone in hope of change. Believing that South Africa is “alive with possibilities” she wants to return to her place of birth seeing the country not through the eyes of a ‘Cape Tonian’ but rather through those of a South African. Roxanne has a very positive outlook on South Africa and believes that this is largely thanks to her parents. As coloureds in South Africa during the Apartheid era, they were both victims of the cruel system. Her mother’s family was forcefully removed from their home in District Six while her father was beaten by policemen for simply being coloured. Even after they were given ample reason to hold a grudge both have embraced the new South Africa and have encouraged their daughter to do the same. Her mom is now the only coloured member of staff in a school in Cape Town and her father was the only coloured man in his class for masters in psychology.

Completely defined by her own personality Roxanne believes that she is a person before she is a race and sees the struggle not as “white vs. black” but rather as “privileged vs. non-privileged.” Roxanne cannot not say how it feels to be coloured. Her response is simply, “I can’t answer that question because I’ve never been white. I’m just me.” And that is truly who she is – independent minded and self-respecting. Comments towards her race do not offend her personally but rather make her feel sad for that person and concerned for the state of the country.

Yet even this cannot pull her down, the situation only makes her want to push harder for change.She laughs when sharing what she hopes to achieve with a degree in journalism saying, “don’t we all just want to change the world?” She then gives serious thought to the discussion but does not change her mind. She simply elaborates on her response. As a realistic idealist she hopes to change the world by first changing herself – hence her journey to Rhodes. She is looking at Rhodes as an opportunity to meet new people and broaden her view on life. Worried about her observation that “people don’t see the world as it is but rather as they are,” she ultimately wants to change people’s lives and be changed by others through her writing as well as through life. She feels that we as humans all have a purpose and a duty and wants to change the perception that only certain skills are great enough to be put to use, “I want to be living testimony that talent is not about glamour.”

Summing up her short term goal she quotes Michael Jackson, “I’m searching for the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways.” This leads us into a lighter topic of conversation that centres on music. It becomes clear, as she taps her hands on the table to a rhythm in her mind that her vibrancy and passionate way of being does not only surface when she is talking about changing the world but is something that lies deep within her. Energy radiates from her as she talks expressively about her love for jazz and her attraction to musicians. She is amused when asked what she thinks of the song by Police entitled ‘Roxanne” and laughs saying that, “It’s a beautiful song. My only problem with guys singing it to me is that it’s a bit unoriginal!”

Self-respecting and optimistic Roxanne Henderson has taken on the challenge that Rhodes has presented to her and with it hopes to challenge life. She is a masterpiece in the making...

Soldiering through the work...

Survivng the work load:
While smiling happily and enthusiastically, she answers the questions directed at her in a friendly manner. Barbara Brand, a BMus student at Rhodes University, has found it both challenging as well as possible getting through her first year of work.
This newly independent first year tells us how she has found this year so far for her and she starts by confidently saying how she has grown up through the year. “Apart from refreshing as opposed to high school”, she giggles, “there is a lot more freedom and even though the work load is a lot, you are studying what you want to so you tend to enjoy it a bit more”. Barbara seems to be coping with her work load quite alright. “The whole idea passed to you about varsity is that you will not manage”, but she makes it quite clear, with a stern look and tone in her voice that you will manage if you manage your time properly. Being a BMus student there is no doubt a rather heavy work load in place for her but she goes on to tell us encouragingly that it is not impossible. As she looks at her work, she assures that it is stressful at times meeting deadlines, pulling “all nighters with multiple assignments”, but she manages her time well. On the topic of her social life, Barbara has a look of shame on her face and starts to smile sheepishly, “My work tends to be sacrificed a bit when it comes to my boyfriend”. She attempts to excuse herself by hastily explaining that before, her practicing took up her free time but now her free time goes to her boyfriend and that’s because the relationship is new. She happily assures that once they are further into the relationship she will be able to “juggle her time better”. As for her partying life, that doesn’t seem to have the biggest impact, “I don’t go out much, I enjoy it, but only go occasionally”. Barbara is a very confident person who lives her own life. Alcohol clearly has no effect on her work at the moment. “In the beginning I felt pressured to go out during the week to make friends and because everyone was going out, but it dies down once you get settled”. She touches on the topic of friends and with a smile on her face she speaks of getting to know who your real friends are so that it is easier to say no without judgment from them. As she looks back on the year she goes on to tell, in a more serious tone, that in the beginning it had an effect on her work but it “calms down during the year”. Her work is a practical course and therefore much of her time is mostly practicing. Unfortunately, Barbara struggles for time with friends, “I would love to spend more time with them, but I am always practicing and it’s also hard now with my boyfriend”, she says with a longing and sad look in her eyes as she looks around the room at photos, which clearly show that she still has good times with her friends when she can. Although first year work can be tough and you have to work around time for friends, social life and work, Barbara tells her story which shows that it is possible to get through it all and that all it takes is time management.

Rocking the Rhodent- a Profile on Alice Mckay

Alice Mckay nicknamed “Gran” by her roommate, lights a Dunhill Light at her desk. Inhaling deeply, she hums along to Counting Crows, her favourite band. Alice came to Rhodes an outspoken, irreverent and amusing ANC supporter, and has remained the same person since. While many other people have transformed themselves into the people they supposedly wish to be, Alice has never compromised herself in order to “conform to the boxed-in version of a typical Rhodent”.
“I feel sorry for those people, the ones who feel they have to change or have to become something just because they’re in varsity. Ok sure, I’m one for self development but I’m not here to improve my image or anything”. Clad in All Stars and a Sex Pistols t-shirt, Alice feels that there is more to university life than trying to “bungee or poppie it up”. She ashes in a pink coffee mug and laughs loudly when her roommate chastises her for it, quickly putting on a straight face when her roommate threatens to throw the mug at her. “Sometimes I just couldn’t be bothered with the small things, the details; life is about bigger things than where I smoke my cigarette”
Although she is not completely outrageous, in either dress or conduct, Alice has remained true to herself, not compromising her moral standards at all in first year, an achievement that is impressive in a world where naps and cane train are seen as more important than lectures. “I just made this decision in O-week, I saw so many people just throwing name and although mine wasn’t a completely sober one either, I wanted to remain the same person that I’d arrived here as”. So while an endless parade of new first years painted New Street with Cane-coloured coolness, Alice kept her dignity intact. Although she had a good time, she made a promise to herself that she would never lose herself amidst the Union-worshipping crowd. “I just want to care about more than getting pissed on a Friday night; I want my life to mean something”.
Alice picks up ‘Country of My Skull’ by Antjie Krog, and turns the book over in her hands, carefully studying the cover illustration. “I don’t want to live a lie and live within constructs that are not my own” she says, while discussing her political views and religious beliefs. “I have always been an open minded person, that’s the one thing I cannot stand- these BCOM students who just study for a well paying job one day. They’re capitalist monsters who are all jumping off the same bridge”.
She is politically incorrect, sometimes rude, but most times she is honest, straightforward and a rebel who stands up for what she believes in. Alice walks through campus a true Rhodent, one who embodies the spirit of forward thinking and humanitarian views. She is a leader in her own right, a red wine-loving African who is defiant in her views on life. She will never give herself up to “the slaughter of open minds” that many others do, and expresses her anger at the political apathy of the students who did not register to vote in the IEC elections next year. “Those too lazy to get a sticker in their ids should just immigrate to Canada and New Zealand- South Africa doesn’t need a whole bunch of idiots living here”.
It is this combination of her wicked sense of humour and anti-establishment attitude that smashes boldly through the Rhodes student cliché, placing her indefinitely among the minority of students who have managed to scrape through first year with their personalities and standards unscathed by negative influence. Laughing, she tells me she wants to be an English teacher, and does not care about the salary issue. “Life is not about money, and if we all just realised that, people would be a lot happier. I want to teach and love and learn, not gloat over my new BMW and a mock-Tuscan ‘villa’”.

WARNING: First Year at Rhodes=CHANGE

I came to varsity thinking that I would a) never smoke, b) never question my religion and c) skip a lecture..
well well well, reality soon hit me with the crystal clearness of a cane train. After the rowdy revelry of O-week, and the apple bottom-adventure of first term, the novelty of attending every lecture, abstaining from the smoky cigarettes that floated around in the Rat and attending Mass every Sunday soon wore off. I'm not one to compromise my morals or have double standards- in fact I've usually been one of those people who refused to ever be anyone but myself, but student life and having to depend on myself to do the things that I believe in have really changed my attitude on these issues.
Without even knowing it, skipping Journ on a thursday soon turned to skipping Journ 3 times a week. By the end of second term, it was a joke that I never attended lectures. As for the smoking, it may sound like a small deal to the average Joanna, but I am a serious asthmatic, the kind who sounds like that guy from Malcolm in the Middle with an inhaler, so smoking was always a strictly no go area. However, one siff Rhodent night at the Union and a bottle of St Claire's later, I was walking around with a vodka and coke in one hand and a cigarette balanced precariously between two glossy lips. Inhaling like a demon, I woke up the next morning with a cough that sounded like I was suffering form a serious bout of temporary lung cancer or something else totally disgusting.
As for the religious thing, after various philosophy classes and random attendances at the Athiest society, I began to doubt my traditional middle class Christian upbringing. I didn't pray for a whole term, I took down my rosary, and soon enough, swore off ever stepping foot in a religious institution again.
My point is that not varsity changes you, although it does and it will.
My point is that varsity, especially an excellent academic institution such as Rhodes, which teaches you to constantly question things around you, will bring out aspects of your personality that you were unaware ever existed. And this is all OK and part of our development as normal human beings, except sometimes you may not be ready for the change.
I am writing this to simply warn you that you WILL change, your beliefs MAY differ by the end of first year and you will have almost DEFINITELY have done something that you swore never to do. Too much tequila can do that to you. Jokes aside, before you get to Rhodes, take stock of who you are, remember the things that you have always believed in and get ready to ride the Rhodent roller coaster of change!!